New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
