You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
