I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
