worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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