I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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