Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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