Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
