My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
