just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
