I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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