Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
