He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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