Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
