It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
