True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
