My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
