i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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