I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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