hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
