mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
