Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
