I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just blew my weed a kiss
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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