No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
