discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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