Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
