I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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