Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
