He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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