at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
