the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I had to cum in my sink.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
