She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
