There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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