it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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