I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
