she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
