Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
