It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
