Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
