good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
