why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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