yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
