He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
