I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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