he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
