my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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