i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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