Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
