I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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