And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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