he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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