the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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